shattered...

A very good fren of mine told me this:

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"a person worth your tears will never make u cry, and a person who makes u cry is not worth your tears..."

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He keeps reminding me that and i really understand it.. but how many of us could actually live with it?

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Yesterday I was down with fever, life was like hell.. Panadol was like my new BFF (best friend forever) Stuck in my small little room in singapore, worrying that my mc will affect my career, heart not only broken, but torn to pieces, and my mind is all occupied about him..

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It was hard.. I barely sleep well.. took me 3 hours to roll on the bed, sleep for 2 hours and then I'm awake again.. for no reason.. I can't deal with it.. I was wrong to say 'lets just walk our seperate paths' but I felt so hurt by all his doings, that's why i was so mad.. But he doesn't understand.. he thinks its my fault.. that i put both of us into such torture.. U think i want it?

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I can't deal with it until someone told me.. that HE actually told her.. he doesn't want to have anything to do with me right now.. He just want peace, he just wanna be alone.. I was SHATTERED..I cant believe he can say that.. I dont know how to face the reality.. My nose keeps running, cough never ending.. and my heart is sharreted and burned.. I've never felt so horible in my life..

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Yes, i've been through many breakups.. but none is as bad and as hurting as this.. Away from all my family and good friends.. I felt like end of the world.. I really need to do something.. but I do not have the energy.. 1 bowl of fish porridge, took me 2 meal times to finish it.. Gone were my hearty appetite and my really piggy sleeping habits..

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What happened to all the love and promises? What happened to all the sweet memories? What happened to all our dreams and plans? Just because I said something wrong, he deleted everything from his mind.. He keeps assuming that we will argue if he calls but he didn't even try.. ITS NOT FAIR..Its so hurting to be treated like dirt by someone u care so much for the past few months.. Its so dissapointing to see someone give up on you just like that.. But, i wanna get over it.. He wants me out of his life, fine.. I will make his wish come true.. I need to get over it.. If he doesn't appreciate me, after all the patch-up efforts i've done, I got nothing to say at all... I'm really tired.. Mentally, physically and literally...

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Thanks to all my friends that were and still are with me.. I thought LOVE is most powerful but I was so naive to believe that kind of crap.. I dont know when I have the guts back to fall in love again.. I told Wah Jiang, I may wanna turn lesbian, since men always like to hurt girls so much.. hahaha.. But I can't imagine myself kissing a girl.. feels quite wrong (for me personally).. No hard feelings to all the gays and lesbian out there ya.. I still respect u guys..

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Love is nothing (at least to me now and for few months n years to come), Friendship rules and on top of that, FAMILY is the best.. i just can't wait to go home.. to a place where i can feel secure.. a place where I have a shoulder to lean on.. I'm really tired.. I really need a break.. i really do.. my life was all about him so much that everyone suspects that I'm in love with him more than he does to me.. i hope that is not true.. but i guess the reality has its own say...

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I'm so embarrased with myself.. i thought i can patch things up.. but he dont give a damn anymore.. Now only i know.. all the stupid silly calls i made that he ignored.. I feel so dumb now..

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I need to be not myself just one day.. I wanna try something that I never try before.. I just wanna release myself.. and look forward for a better day to come..

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p/s: I'm sorry for being such a whinny person to some of my friends.. U know who u are.. and thank you for being so supportive and not forsaking me at this time.. pls give me some time.. at least 3 months.. sorry...