Progress..

I cried worse than a baby last night~! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!! Its so embarrassing.. Now that I think back.. But, I finally released.. I FINALLY RELEASED.. I didn't say much about anything.. Most of the times were my friends talking and advicing and comforting me.. And all I did was cry like a stupid silly idiot brainless baby.. (ok, theres no such baby in this world)

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It started pretty harmless.. I went to Sushi King for a very light dinner with a good old friend of mine- Ivy and I was asking about her love life more rather than letting out the frustration I had after 1 week of ignorance from HIM.. I thought I can pass through the night without any tears and I can just act cool..

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Then we went to Modestos to meet up with another 2 friends.. Eric and Cherlyn.. They were gossiping and things turn really sad (for me)when Cherlyn says 'He doesn't wanna see you at all for the time being..I'm sorry to say this, and i know u r really sad, but he just want to be left alone'.. The words that she used were blunt yet sharp.. Blunt in a way, its simple straightforward english. Sharp in a way, its like a sharp spear to my heart.. All I want was a simple meeting between me and HIM so that we can clear our piling misunderstandings and then MOVE ON.. I know he wont pick up my calls, and I tried sms him telling him all my feelings.. Be it anger, frustration and most times dissapointment.. Yet, he can't just sms me and tell me that he doesn't wanna see me.. AND he chooses to tell a third party to pass the message to me.. It hurts.. I just dont understand how can he treat me this way?

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Then, I just shut up.. almost the whole night.. Until Ivy pull me up from my chair and told me she wanted to talk to me.. That is when I broke down.. LITERALLY.. I really cried.. In front of public.. I can't believe it.. But i can't control it.. All the things that the rest said were true but hurtful. I can't deny the fact.. It all right in front of me..

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People must be thinking I'm some weird maniacs.. crying in a business centre like a baby. But it was really a release.. I didn't know I needed it.. Ivy's hug and encouragement were so warm that I just can't control myself and act like everything was fine anymore.. Its not fine.. I love him, I miss him, I know i'm wrong, I tried to fix it.. But he IGNORED..

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What Ivy said was right, if he doesn't give a damn about u anymore, why must you torture yourself like that? Do u think its worth it? You have tried any possible ways to reach him, and he doesn't even bother to respond, maybe he's happily sleeping at home while u r suffering here, he doens't even bother to care, just let it go.. U deserve someone much better..

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Gosh, thats something I've been hearing and tried so hard to convince myself.. I just feel very unfair.. People make mistakes, why am I not given a chance to patch it back.. So fast, he just set the punishment for me.. ITS NOT FAIR...

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From Modesto to the bench in front of Starbucks and then back to Modestos.. My tears never stop.. Even after Eric has drove me to the front of my house, I told him I need time to cool off before I enter my house.. That was like 11pm already..

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Then I decided to go back.. because Eric has been babysitting me too much and he needs to work the next day.. I appreciate his effort and felt guilty for troubling him every since I broke off with HIM.. THANK YOU SO MUCH ERIC AND really sorry to trouble you the whole night.. I really appreciate it and no more drunk crazy sad nights for me..

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I thought i was calm when i get back.. But the moment I saw my mum at the door.. I broke down even worse.. Mum was shock and just hugged me.. She never say anything but asked me a few questions.. I never reply and just concentrate on my cying.. I was a little tipsy as I never had enough sleep for the pass few days and the beers that I swallowed really kicks in already..

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Today, I felt much better.. But I can't help longing to have a peep on him to see how is he or hoping he will at least call to say sorry for being such a jerk ignoring and AVOIDING me..

It didn't happen but I believe everything happens for a reason.. Maybe he's really done with me.. He wants to be alone or maybe he has found someone who can be there for him all the time.. Maybe he realises this long distant thing is not suitable for him.. I thought my life was perfect.. Happy supportive family, good money flying career and a darling that loves me with unconditional love.. I might be in the midst of losing my job.. I dont know.. it doesn't really affect me coz I can always come back to malaysia and find a job and now I lost him.. I dont know how long I need to stand on my own feet again..

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I know they are not reading.. but Dad n mum, I'm really sorry for making you worry.. I really dont mean to.. But I couldnt' hold on to it anymore as his plain ignorance really hurt me to the max.. and sorry for drinking so much and not giving me lecture about it.. Amanda, thanks for not asking anything and just be there for me with the tissue box.. Jessica, I know you are worried bout me, but I'm fine.. Eric, thanks for being the driver of the night and your reminder about who's more important in my life.. Cherlyn, thanks for being just there although I can't really remember what you have said.. And most important of all, IVY, i love you babe.. I know you have your own issues, yet u stayed up for me.. I really can't thank you more..

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I know i've said this before.. But I have to keep reminding myself coz I will always forget..

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TIME TO MOVE ON (dont miss him dont miss him dont miss him)

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p/s: seriously.. I think true love is really full of bullshit and crap right now..