Back to work, back to reality..

After almost 10 days of rest.. Recovered from fever and flu.. Still recovering super slowly from the heartbreak.. I am finally back to work.. And I was literally dragging my feet to report for work..

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I was abit slow as I was really lack of sleep and i had my leaves way too long.. Everything got so rusty and I even forgot to put my lipstick when I came out from my singapore house.. hahaha..

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I'm now in Jakarta.. Will be flying back tomorrow morning and I got to wake up like 3am or so.. I'm staying in Shangri-la now which is situated at the heart of Jakarta town.. around 1 hour from the airport..

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This hotel is way much better than the hotel we stayed last time as the latter hotel was 'haunted'.. It looks scarry and everywhere in the hotel looks dark and spooky.. Even the room itself gives me all the goosebumps.. But, so far I didn't encounter any 'good friends' when I was staying there.. I do hear alot of stories about peoples' encounter with those 'uninvited' though..

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My blog has been pretty dull.. with no pitures.. Here's some pistures that I took from my room.. The view is pretty good..

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p/s: I finally got my confirmation in my company!!! It has been a long wait!! After so many uneventful things happen in my life, I finally can see something that gives me hope.. Well, I was pretty ready to be sacked and go home (due to high mc days during probation period).. But looks like its not gonna happen any soon.. hahaha.. Thank god for everything..

I GOT A NEW LOVER...

I Have a new Lover..

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Not A boyfriend...

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But a NEW LOVER..

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A lover that will stick with me faithfully no matter what

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A lover that can be turned on anytime

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A lover that will make me happy.. Very very happy..

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Oh my WHITE LOVER..

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My new WHITE Nintendo DS..

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HAHAHAHAHA

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What were u thinking?

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p/s: Its been more than 1 week.. I think i'm moving on well.. I think I am.. this is the hardest breakup ever..

Progress..

I cried worse than a baby last night~! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!! Its so embarrassing.. Now that I think back.. But, I finally released.. I FINALLY RELEASED.. I didn't say much about anything.. Most of the times were my friends talking and advicing and comforting me.. And all I did was cry like a stupid silly idiot brainless baby.. (ok, theres no such baby in this world)

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It started pretty harmless.. I went to Sushi King for a very light dinner with a good old friend of mine- Ivy and I was asking about her love life more rather than letting out the frustration I had after 1 week of ignorance from HIM.. I thought I can pass through the night without any tears and I can just act cool..

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Then we went to Modestos to meet up with another 2 friends.. Eric and Cherlyn.. They were gossiping and things turn really sad (for me)when Cherlyn says 'He doesn't wanna see you at all for the time being..I'm sorry to say this, and i know u r really sad, but he just want to be left alone'.. The words that she used were blunt yet sharp.. Blunt in a way, its simple straightforward english. Sharp in a way, its like a sharp spear to my heart.. All I want was a simple meeting between me and HIM so that we can clear our piling misunderstandings and then MOVE ON.. I know he wont pick up my calls, and I tried sms him telling him all my feelings.. Be it anger, frustration and most times dissapointment.. Yet, he can't just sms me and tell me that he doesn't wanna see me.. AND he chooses to tell a third party to pass the message to me.. It hurts.. I just dont understand how can he treat me this way?

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Then, I just shut up.. almost the whole night.. Until Ivy pull me up from my chair and told me she wanted to talk to me.. That is when I broke down.. LITERALLY.. I really cried.. In front of public.. I can't believe it.. But i can't control it.. All the things that the rest said were true but hurtful. I can't deny the fact.. It all right in front of me..

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People must be thinking I'm some weird maniacs.. crying in a business centre like a baby. But it was really a release.. I didn't know I needed it.. Ivy's hug and encouragement were so warm that I just can't control myself and act like everything was fine anymore.. Its not fine.. I love him, I miss him, I know i'm wrong, I tried to fix it.. But he IGNORED..

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What Ivy said was right, if he doesn't give a damn about u anymore, why must you torture yourself like that? Do u think its worth it? You have tried any possible ways to reach him, and he doesn't even bother to respond, maybe he's happily sleeping at home while u r suffering here, he doens't even bother to care, just let it go.. U deserve someone much better..

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Gosh, thats something I've been hearing and tried so hard to convince myself.. I just feel very unfair.. People make mistakes, why am I not given a chance to patch it back.. So fast, he just set the punishment for me.. ITS NOT FAIR...

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From Modesto to the bench in front of Starbucks and then back to Modestos.. My tears never stop.. Even after Eric has drove me to the front of my house, I told him I need time to cool off before I enter my house.. That was like 11pm already..

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Then I decided to go back.. because Eric has been babysitting me too much and he needs to work the next day.. I appreciate his effort and felt guilty for troubling him every since I broke off with HIM.. THANK YOU SO MUCH ERIC AND really sorry to trouble you the whole night.. I really appreciate it and no more drunk crazy sad nights for me..

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I thought i was calm when i get back.. But the moment I saw my mum at the door.. I broke down even worse.. Mum was shock and just hugged me.. She never say anything but asked me a few questions.. I never reply and just concentrate on my cying.. I was a little tipsy as I never had enough sleep for the pass few days and the beers that I swallowed really kicks in already..

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Today, I felt much better.. But I can't help longing to have a peep on him to see how is he or hoping he will at least call to say sorry for being such a jerk ignoring and AVOIDING me..

It didn't happen but I believe everything happens for a reason.. Maybe he's really done with me.. He wants to be alone or maybe he has found someone who can be there for him all the time.. Maybe he realises this long distant thing is not suitable for him.. I thought my life was perfect.. Happy supportive family, good money flying career and a darling that loves me with unconditional love.. I might be in the midst of losing my job.. I dont know.. it doesn't really affect me coz I can always come back to malaysia and find a job and now I lost him.. I dont know how long I need to stand on my own feet again..

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I know they are not reading.. but Dad n mum, I'm really sorry for making you worry.. I really dont mean to.. But I couldnt' hold on to it anymore as his plain ignorance really hurt me to the max.. and sorry for drinking so much and not giving me lecture about it.. Amanda, thanks for not asking anything and just be there for me with the tissue box.. Jessica, I know you are worried bout me, but I'm fine.. Eric, thanks for being the driver of the night and your reminder about who's more important in my life.. Cherlyn, thanks for being just there although I can't really remember what you have said.. And most important of all, IVY, i love you babe.. I know you have your own issues, yet u stayed up for me.. I really can't thank you more..

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I know i've said this before.. But I have to keep reminding myself coz I will always forget..

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TIME TO MOVE ON (dont miss him dont miss him dont miss him)

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p/s: seriously.. I think true love is really full of bullshit and crap right now..

75%-25%

I'm currently waiting for the boarding of my flight at Terminal 1, Singapore Changi Airport.. 75% of me is desperate to go back to the comfort of my home where my family and friends are there to welcome me home.. But, theres another 25% of me thats really reluctant to go back.. Going back to KLIA.. The place where WE started.. The place where we exchange promises and commitment that we will stay faithful and love and appreciate one another..

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Not forgetting.. passing by his house each and everytime I go back home.. Haihz..

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Heavy rain just subsided in Singapore here.. The floor outside is wet and it really brings my spirit down.. Its so funny that my world has turned upside down ever since I sms him 'Lets walk seperate paths, since u just ignore me'.. It was me who initiated.. but looks like its me who's regreting it and really sad about it..

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I'm determined to move on, i'm determined to change for the better..

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But its dam tough..

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I need a nice drink.. release and unleash the crazy me.. Klang.. Here I come..

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p/s: Darn, I'm hungry.. I thought I just had my lunch.. I'm gaining back my appetite.. Yeah.. but no more flat tummy..

one inspiring thought...

This is something from my fren that he cut and paste for me: (very inspiring)

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Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.

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Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!
Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

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The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

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Hong An, thanks for this inspiring passage.. I really got inspired.. Thanks for everything..

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p/s: I can't wait to go back HOME to just have a long break!!!

shattered...

A very good fren of mine told me this:

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"a person worth your tears will never make u cry, and a person who makes u cry is not worth your tears..."

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He keeps reminding me that and i really understand it.. but how many of us could actually live with it?

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Yesterday I was down with fever, life was like hell.. Panadol was like my new BFF (best friend forever) Stuck in my small little room in singapore, worrying that my mc will affect my career, heart not only broken, but torn to pieces, and my mind is all occupied about him..

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It was hard.. I barely sleep well.. took me 3 hours to roll on the bed, sleep for 2 hours and then I'm awake again.. for no reason.. I can't deal with it.. I was wrong to say 'lets just walk our seperate paths' but I felt so hurt by all his doings, that's why i was so mad.. But he doesn't understand.. he thinks its my fault.. that i put both of us into such torture.. U think i want it?

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I can't deal with it until someone told me.. that HE actually told her.. he doesn't want to have anything to do with me right now.. He just want peace, he just wanna be alone.. I was SHATTERED..I cant believe he can say that.. I dont know how to face the reality.. My nose keeps running, cough never ending.. and my heart is sharreted and burned.. I've never felt so horible in my life..

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Yes, i've been through many breakups.. but none is as bad and as hurting as this.. Away from all my family and good friends.. I felt like end of the world.. I really need to do something.. but I do not have the energy.. 1 bowl of fish porridge, took me 2 meal times to finish it.. Gone were my hearty appetite and my really piggy sleeping habits..

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What happened to all the love and promises? What happened to all the sweet memories? What happened to all our dreams and plans? Just because I said something wrong, he deleted everything from his mind.. He keeps assuming that we will argue if he calls but he didn't even try.. ITS NOT FAIR..Its so hurting to be treated like dirt by someone u care so much for the past few months.. Its so dissapointing to see someone give up on you just like that.. But, i wanna get over it.. He wants me out of his life, fine.. I will make his wish come true.. I need to get over it.. If he doesn't appreciate me, after all the patch-up efforts i've done, I got nothing to say at all... I'm really tired.. Mentally, physically and literally...

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Thanks to all my friends that were and still are with me.. I thought LOVE is most powerful but I was so naive to believe that kind of crap.. I dont know when I have the guts back to fall in love again.. I told Wah Jiang, I may wanna turn lesbian, since men always like to hurt girls so much.. hahaha.. But I can't imagine myself kissing a girl.. feels quite wrong (for me personally).. No hard feelings to all the gays and lesbian out there ya.. I still respect u guys..

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Love is nothing (at least to me now and for few months n years to come), Friendship rules and on top of that, FAMILY is the best.. i just can't wait to go home.. to a place where i can feel secure.. a place where I have a shoulder to lean on.. I'm really tired.. I really need a break.. i really do.. my life was all about him so much that everyone suspects that I'm in love with him more than he does to me.. i hope that is not true.. but i guess the reality has its own say...

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I'm so embarrased with myself.. i thought i can patch things up.. but he dont give a damn anymore.. Now only i know.. all the stupid silly calls i made that he ignored.. I feel so dumb now..

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I need to be not myself just one day.. I wanna try something that I never try before.. I just wanna release myself.. and look forward for a better day to come..

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p/s: I'm sorry for being such a whinny person to some of my friends.. U know who u are.. and thank you for being so supportive and not forsaking me at this time.. pls give me some time.. at least 3 months.. sorry...