Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Break-up sucks..

Really.. Break-up do sucks.. really bad.. whoever that told you that break-up is easy and told you that with no emotions, that person is either a player or just a heartless being.

It wasn't easy to let go a relationship especially when the 2 of you have been together for some time and there are so many sweet moments (not forgetting the bad moments as well) you had together as a couple. Dramas during and after quarrels always happen amongst couples.. it is the same for me. My relationship (well, my last relationship..) was quite a rocky 1 as some of you might know.. alot of dramas and disagreements between me and him..we broke up.. patched up.. broke up.. patched up.. and at last.. broke up!

It wasn't entirely his fault for causing this as i was the 1 that lied to him (but mind you, i did not cheat on him) in the beginning and refused to admit after he questioned few times.. (yes, i do lie.. christians are still humans dear.. we still do mistakes.. we are NOT perfect) But it was this HUGE quarrel a.k.a 3rd world war, that made us both realised that we are not suitable for each other. To cut the whole lengthy story short & sweet, we literrally shouted at each other and hurting words have been exchanged in the midst of the 'war'. It was scary to see myself engaging in such intense quarrel with someone i would like to consider as a 'possible future husband' in such beginning stage of a relationship. I did apologize for lying but he feels that i wasn't sincere and that i did not made an effort to calm him down.

Anyway, the relationship is over.. it was frustrating to know that he can't trust me and it was hurting to listen to what he has said during the quarrel. Being the emotional girl i had always been, i did cried like a new born baby.. requested my good friend to accompany me as i was feeling lost.. hopeless.. discouraged.. frustrated.. sad.. and i'm sure he was too.. i did hurt him and he did hurt me in return..

There's no right or wrong in a relationship but i guess we are brought up in a different environment, being exposed to the different world and have different characters. Although we have tried to put ourselves in each others' shoes, there are still differences that we can't understand. I believe he's a nice guy but maybe he's meant for some other girl/woman/ female. There's just too many differences between us that we had tried to overcome but failed.

It has been few days since the incident happened.. i'm doing pretty well right now and trying my very best to pick up the pieces and get my feet back on the ground. It wasn't easy really.. going to the cinema to watch 'Enchanted' with my friends 2 days back was just hard as i was so used to having him beside me and you know those nice endings on Disney movies... it really killed me.. Makes me wonder why our ending can't be like 'them'? Why my relationship has to be so sad? Why? why? Why? Too many questions that only god will know the answer..

I really wanna thank my friends for being there for me (you know who you are).. When i'm online blaming myself, when i need a shoulder to lean on, when i just need a lame joke to make me laugh, when all i want is some company, when i need a listening ear, when i need a wake up knock on my head and ya da ya da... You guys are the ones that really encouraged me and make me realise that there are still so many things i can do and should accomplish in my life. No more crying, no more blaming/criticising myself, no more dreaming/wishing of getting back together with him..

My family has been the pillar of strength to me.. My parents have been understanding on my situation and have been very patient. My sisters have been really sweet to me and really stood by my side when i was down.. I really thank god for them.. Without them, i think i might have considered other 'alternatives' on solving my depression.. (i know its bad.. but i'm being honest)

Last but not least, (i'm not trying to be religious but true from my heart) I really THANK GOD for his goodness and grace and love and patient and the list just goes on.. He hasn't abandoned me although i have done so many things against his commands and of course giving me another chance to move on with life.. By believing the existence of god gives me hope and the faith to carry on and not give up on myself..

Of course, i'm still in the midst of recovering and it will still take some time.. No more 20++ sms-es a day (ok ok.. maybe 30++).. No more calls from him just to hear my voice.. No more dates on the weekends (and weekdays also la..).. but don't worry about me.. I will be fine as i know there are many that care and worried about me. All i need is time to get this out of my head, get used to single life (again) and follow my dreams..

Goodbye attached-hood! Hello Singlehood!

*Putting the quarrels and disagreements at the side, there are things that he has done that really touched my heart and i will never forget.. I just wanna thank him for all the things he has done for me and all the sweet memories he has given me. Every step i have took in this relationship has moulded me to the person i am today. I still pray for him and may he finds the angel that will brighten up his day in the near future!*

1 comment:

Tan, Victor. said...

Hi there Pam..

Hope you are alright =)