Progress..

I cried worse than a baby last night~! OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS!! Its so embarrassing.. Now that I think back.. But, I finally released.. I FINALLY RELEASED.. I didn't say much about anything.. Most of the times were my friends talking and advicing and comforting me.. And all I did was cry like a stupid silly idiot brainless baby.. (ok, theres no such baby in this world)

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It started pretty harmless.. I went to Sushi King for a very light dinner with a good old friend of mine- Ivy and I was asking about her love life more rather than letting out the frustration I had after 1 week of ignorance from HIM.. I thought I can pass through the night without any tears and I can just act cool..

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Then we went to Modestos to meet up with another 2 friends.. Eric and Cherlyn.. They were gossiping and things turn really sad (for me)when Cherlyn says 'He doesn't wanna see you at all for the time being..I'm sorry to say this, and i know u r really sad, but he just want to be left alone'.. The words that she used were blunt yet sharp.. Blunt in a way, its simple straightforward english. Sharp in a way, its like a sharp spear to my heart.. All I want was a simple meeting between me and HIM so that we can clear our piling misunderstandings and then MOVE ON.. I know he wont pick up my calls, and I tried sms him telling him all my feelings.. Be it anger, frustration and most times dissapointment.. Yet, he can't just sms me and tell me that he doesn't wanna see me.. AND he chooses to tell a third party to pass the message to me.. It hurts.. I just dont understand how can he treat me this way?

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Then, I just shut up.. almost the whole night.. Until Ivy pull me up from my chair and told me she wanted to talk to me.. That is when I broke down.. LITERALLY.. I really cried.. In front of public.. I can't believe it.. But i can't control it.. All the things that the rest said were true but hurtful. I can't deny the fact.. It all right in front of me..

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People must be thinking I'm some weird maniacs.. crying in a business centre like a baby. But it was really a release.. I didn't know I needed it.. Ivy's hug and encouragement were so warm that I just can't control myself and act like everything was fine anymore.. Its not fine.. I love him, I miss him, I know i'm wrong, I tried to fix it.. But he IGNORED..

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What Ivy said was right, if he doesn't give a damn about u anymore, why must you torture yourself like that? Do u think its worth it? You have tried any possible ways to reach him, and he doesn't even bother to respond, maybe he's happily sleeping at home while u r suffering here, he doens't even bother to care, just let it go.. U deserve someone much better..

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Gosh, thats something I've been hearing and tried so hard to convince myself.. I just feel very unfair.. People make mistakes, why am I not given a chance to patch it back.. So fast, he just set the punishment for me.. ITS NOT FAIR...

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From Modesto to the bench in front of Starbucks and then back to Modestos.. My tears never stop.. Even after Eric has drove me to the front of my house, I told him I need time to cool off before I enter my house.. That was like 11pm already..

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Then I decided to go back.. because Eric has been babysitting me too much and he needs to work the next day.. I appreciate his effort and felt guilty for troubling him every since I broke off with HIM.. THANK YOU SO MUCH ERIC AND really sorry to trouble you the whole night.. I really appreciate it and no more drunk crazy sad nights for me..

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I thought i was calm when i get back.. But the moment I saw my mum at the door.. I broke down even worse.. Mum was shock and just hugged me.. She never say anything but asked me a few questions.. I never reply and just concentrate on my cying.. I was a little tipsy as I never had enough sleep for the pass few days and the beers that I swallowed really kicks in already..

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Today, I felt much better.. But I can't help longing to have a peep on him to see how is he or hoping he will at least call to say sorry for being such a jerk ignoring and AVOIDING me..

It didn't happen but I believe everything happens for a reason.. Maybe he's really done with me.. He wants to be alone or maybe he has found someone who can be there for him all the time.. Maybe he realises this long distant thing is not suitable for him.. I thought my life was perfect.. Happy supportive family, good money flying career and a darling that loves me with unconditional love.. I might be in the midst of losing my job.. I dont know.. it doesn't really affect me coz I can always come back to malaysia and find a job and now I lost him.. I dont know how long I need to stand on my own feet again..

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I know they are not reading.. but Dad n mum, I'm really sorry for making you worry.. I really dont mean to.. But I couldnt' hold on to it anymore as his plain ignorance really hurt me to the max.. and sorry for drinking so much and not giving me lecture about it.. Amanda, thanks for not asking anything and just be there for me with the tissue box.. Jessica, I know you are worried bout me, but I'm fine.. Eric, thanks for being the driver of the night and your reminder about who's more important in my life.. Cherlyn, thanks for being just there although I can't really remember what you have said.. And most important of all, IVY, i love you babe.. I know you have your own issues, yet u stayed up for me.. I really can't thank you more..

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I know i've said this before.. But I have to keep reminding myself coz I will always forget..

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TIME TO MOVE ON (dont miss him dont miss him dont miss him)

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p/s: seriously.. I think true love is really full of bullshit and crap right now..

75%-25%

I'm currently waiting for the boarding of my flight at Terminal 1, Singapore Changi Airport.. 75% of me is desperate to go back to the comfort of my home where my family and friends are there to welcome me home.. But, theres another 25% of me thats really reluctant to go back.. Going back to KLIA.. The place where WE started.. The place where we exchange promises and commitment that we will stay faithful and love and appreciate one another..

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Not forgetting.. passing by his house each and everytime I go back home.. Haihz..

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Heavy rain just subsided in Singapore here.. The floor outside is wet and it really brings my spirit down.. Its so funny that my world has turned upside down ever since I sms him 'Lets walk seperate paths, since u just ignore me'.. It was me who initiated.. but looks like its me who's regreting it and really sad about it..

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I'm determined to move on, i'm determined to change for the better..

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But its dam tough..

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I need a nice drink.. release and unleash the crazy me.. Klang.. Here I come..

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p/s: Darn, I'm hungry.. I thought I just had my lunch.. I'm gaining back my appetite.. Yeah.. but no more flat tummy..

one inspiring thought...

This is something from my fren that he cut and paste for me: (very inspiring)

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Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.

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Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!
Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

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The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

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Hong An, thanks for this inspiring passage.. I really got inspired.. Thanks for everything..

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p/s: I can't wait to go back HOME to just have a long break!!!

shattered...

A very good fren of mine told me this:

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"a person worth your tears will never make u cry, and a person who makes u cry is not worth your tears..."

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He keeps reminding me that and i really understand it.. but how many of us could actually live with it?

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Yesterday I was down with fever, life was like hell.. Panadol was like my new BFF (best friend forever) Stuck in my small little room in singapore, worrying that my mc will affect my career, heart not only broken, but torn to pieces, and my mind is all occupied about him..

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It was hard.. I barely sleep well.. took me 3 hours to roll on the bed, sleep for 2 hours and then I'm awake again.. for no reason.. I can't deal with it.. I was wrong to say 'lets just walk our seperate paths' but I felt so hurt by all his doings, that's why i was so mad.. But he doesn't understand.. he thinks its my fault.. that i put both of us into such torture.. U think i want it?

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I can't deal with it until someone told me.. that HE actually told her.. he doesn't want to have anything to do with me right now.. He just want peace, he just wanna be alone.. I was SHATTERED..I cant believe he can say that.. I dont know how to face the reality.. My nose keeps running, cough never ending.. and my heart is sharreted and burned.. I've never felt so horible in my life..

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Yes, i've been through many breakups.. but none is as bad and as hurting as this.. Away from all my family and good friends.. I felt like end of the world.. I really need to do something.. but I do not have the energy.. 1 bowl of fish porridge, took me 2 meal times to finish it.. Gone were my hearty appetite and my really piggy sleeping habits..

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What happened to all the love and promises? What happened to all the sweet memories? What happened to all our dreams and plans? Just because I said something wrong, he deleted everything from his mind.. He keeps assuming that we will argue if he calls but he didn't even try.. ITS NOT FAIR..Its so hurting to be treated like dirt by someone u care so much for the past few months.. Its so dissapointing to see someone give up on you just like that.. But, i wanna get over it.. He wants me out of his life, fine.. I will make his wish come true.. I need to get over it.. If he doesn't appreciate me, after all the patch-up efforts i've done, I got nothing to say at all... I'm really tired.. Mentally, physically and literally...

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Thanks to all my friends that were and still are with me.. I thought LOVE is most powerful but I was so naive to believe that kind of crap.. I dont know when I have the guts back to fall in love again.. I told Wah Jiang, I may wanna turn lesbian, since men always like to hurt girls so much.. hahaha.. But I can't imagine myself kissing a girl.. feels quite wrong (for me personally).. No hard feelings to all the gays and lesbian out there ya.. I still respect u guys..

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Love is nothing (at least to me now and for few months n years to come), Friendship rules and on top of that, FAMILY is the best.. i just can't wait to go home.. to a place where i can feel secure.. a place where I have a shoulder to lean on.. I'm really tired.. I really need a break.. i really do.. my life was all about him so much that everyone suspects that I'm in love with him more than he does to me.. i hope that is not true.. but i guess the reality has its own say...

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I'm so embarrased with myself.. i thought i can patch things up.. but he dont give a damn anymore.. Now only i know.. all the stupid silly calls i made that he ignored.. I feel so dumb now..

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I need to be not myself just one day.. I wanna try something that I never try before.. I just wanna release myself.. and look forward for a better day to come..

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p/s: I'm sorry for being such a whinny person to some of my friends.. U know who u are.. and thank you for being so supportive and not forsaking me at this time.. pls give me some time.. at least 3 months.. sorry...

In order to get distracted..

I went to Orchard Road today to meet a friend and we went to Far East Plaza(FEP) where Singaporeans claimed it to be the Singapore Sungai Wang Plaza.. The reason is, I cannot stay in my singapore house as I will really think too much.. I need some distractions.. There are many small little shops in FEP and are sold in affordable prices (compared to those high end brands along Orchard Road).. I didn't plan to buy ANYTHING but ended up overspent..
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I bought 2 dresses, 2 leggings, 2 long necklaces, The little Nyonya DVD series (singapore famous drama), 1 blouse, 2 story books and 4 packets of tissue from an old lady that cost me s$2.. and oh.. not forgetting the lunch, tong sui and dinner as well...
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When you are not in a very good mood and you wanna get yourself distracted, NEVER GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE IN SIGAPORE THINKING U WILL NEVER BUY ANYTHING especially during this GREAT SINGAPORE SALE..
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ITS A BAD IDEA!!! BAD HORRIBLE IDEA....

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p/s: I dont know how long I can take this but 2 days seem like 2 weeks long.. I miss you..

Interesting people..

I was working my way up to Shanghai and it was a day flight..

As usual, smile on your face for my kind of job is a MUST YES thing.. Passengers were restless and hyper, many demands were attended..

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An elderly couple (confirmed above age 50) looked at me and smile at me after I served them their hot chinese tea.. I strike a friendly conversation with them and got to know that they just came back from a holiday at Bali.. I told them, I wanna go Bali too but time doesn't permits..

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After meal service, elderly man signaled me.. I went to them and they told me that they really enjoyed the flight and that me and my colleagues have provided an extraordinary good service and they trully appreciate it.. I told them thank you and felt so proud..

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Elderly man told me they wanna take me as their god-daughter.. I AM PLEASENTLY SURPRISED!!! This is definitely something very very new for me.. They told me i spoke really good mandarin and that they really like me alot.. I told them i am really honoured..

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Elderly lady passed me a piece of paper with her fine chinese writing with her house address, names of them both and their contact numbers.. I was still stunned with whats happening and dont really know how to react.. They told me to keep in touch with them and asked for my numbers.. I gave them my numbers and also email address and she said that she can ask her daughter to drop me an email as they are going to Shanghai to visit her.

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I went back to work with the piece of paper on my hand.. Delighted.. I've never felt so appreciated since I started this work.. I am thrilled that now I have god-parents from CHINA.. wahahahaha.. But after much thoughts, I decided to go back to them and give them my malaysia address.. They told me they love to write and wouldn't mind to write letters to me.. COOL!!!

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We briefly talked about our family and both of them have a pair of children (a male and a female)who are older than me and happily married. At least, I know this is not another passenger who's trying to match make me with their son. Phew.. They even showed me the picture of my new 'sister' and invited me to go to their house to stay, if I ever travel to that part of China.

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It was really cool and although I have came back from Shanghai and resting in singapore now, I am still excited about the whole thing. But I dont really know what I should do.. Should I wait for them to call or should i take the initiative to contact them.. Since they wanted me to become their god-daughter, i think I should just stick around and see what happens..

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I have CHINESE god-parents.. I have a reason to go CHINA for holiday.. wee....

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p/s: I am still stunned by the fact that the self-proclaimed King of Pop, the late Michael Jackson has passed away due to cardiac arrest.. I'm not a big fan of him but definitely appreciate some of his music works.. He was only 50.. He achieved so much, yet hasn't achieve many other things that he can in the future.. This teaches me a lesson, money is not everything and it definitely can't buy u life. Whats the point of having so much money, but u can't bring them with you when u pass away? Rest in peace, Michael Jackson..

funny facts..

Although my homesick desease is still very very serious after staying in singapore for almost 1 year now.. i can't help but to thank god on the opportunities i have to travel around the world and to see different culture.. Its pretty much a culture shock most of the time but i list them as fun facts around the world for now:

-In Dubai, female sits at the front portion of the bus and males have to sit at the back portion of the bus. If you are a couple, u have to be seperated throughout the bus journey. Unless you are married (and carries your marriage certificate with u), husband can stand beside wife while she sits. Male and female sitting together is a big NO NO... When the bus has no females at all, male can occupy the front portion of the bus. But, once theres a female on board, the males have to move your ass..

-In USA, after you have finished the mouth-watering fattening-ass meal, you ask for the bill. At the bottom of the bill, there will be a tipping guide where they will 'politely' ask for tips which 5% of your total bill is the most basic you 'should' give. Most common, 5%, 8% and 10%. I dont know what is the consequences of not tipping but its definitely a 'must do' culture in USA.

-In EGYPT.. unlike USA, they do not have tipping guide.. But they are more daring! Whatever service you hire that involves a local, at the end of the day, the local will not leave u alone unless you tip that person. If the local thinks that tip you gave is too low, that local will have no problem telling you that, he/she wants more.. So, if you want to sight see in Egypt, prepare to spend a fortune just to tip the locals.

-In Holland, prostitution and drugs are LEGAL! When you walk on the streets of the famous 'Red District', there will be pretty babes winking at you behind the windows of the 'shops'.. Even during winter season, they will be wearing only sexy lingerie and flirting with their eyes to the passer-bys.. There are cafes selling weed coffees 24-7 and they sell weed seeds and sex toys in souvenior shops..

ok, thats all for the moment as I'm abit bored facing the computer for almost 3 hours in the hotel room, stuck in Johannesburg.. I'm 6 hours behind Malaysia and singapore and I just can't wait to go home.. Its tiring but its all worth it..

Till the next funny facts.. adios!

P/s: PSP or nintendo ds lite? OR should I get a digital camera 1st as I can't find my missing PENTAX digital camera after almost 2 months already...